No, but really – how does a person have better sex or a better relationship? The Fresh Toast has enlisted Rachel Krantz, a sex writer and proud canna-enthusiast, to help readers out with some answers as its sex columnist. No question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: sex tips for MFM threesomes.
Q: Hi. So, my boyfriend and I have this fantasy where he either watches me have sex with another man, or joins in. He doesn’t think he’d be into touching the other guy so much, but he’s not positive. He’s also not sure how much he wants to watch vs. participate. I think I know someone who might be down, but how do we even plan for something like this?
A: Congratulations! You’re about to embark on one fun adventure. Whether your boyfriend is into cuckolding or not (more on that in a second), MFM threesomes can be a lot of fun for everyone involved. As someone who’s a fan myself, here are some tips I’ve found helpful.
Learn About Cuckolding
Cuckolding is a broad term used to define the act of your partner watching you with another man. For some, there is an aspect of humiliation involved, where the husband/boyfriend is “taunted” by watching another man have “his” woman, and may be prevented from participating. Read this guide to get a better idea of what it’s all about, as well as this account from a guy who enjoys MFM threesomes that don’t involve humiliation or being excluded. Show the articles to your boyfriend and see which kind of fantasy he prefers.
Talk Out The Fantasy Beforehand With Your Partner
The next step is to get clear on what your ideal MFM threesome would look like. While it’s impossible to plan everything in advance, use a time when you’re both feeling super-open – like after smoking a blunt or in the middle of sex – to imagine what the other guy would be doing to you, and what you and your partner would want.
You can try feeling out what he’s thinking – and, equally importantly, what gets you off – by asking sexy questions like, Would you want to watch us in that chair while he goes down on me? Would you want to fuck me while he sucks on my nipples? If he might also be open to touching the other guy (known as an MMF threesome) now would be the time to feel that out in dirty talk as well. If he doesn’t respond to the idea, that’s a good clue he wants to stick to MFM, at least at first.
Find & Respect Your Third
You mentioned that you have someone in mind, but if that doesn’t work out, profiles on dating sites (anonymous or not) that explicitly state your intention for an MFM threesome should garner plenty of interest. Talk with your boyfriend about how you’d like to proceed once someone catches your eye. I find I like to go out with the person alone first, and if I like them, we all hang out together and see if we get along.
Have A Sexual Plan
What’s most important is that once you find your third, your intentions and boundaries are made clear in advance – and that once things get closer to going down, you communicate the details of your ideal fantasy beforehand with your special guest, explicitly. Be sure they are on the same page, ask if there’s anything else they want or concerns they have, know when they’ve last been tested, and agree to boundaries and safewords in advance. If your boyfriend does want to touch another guy, be clear about that as well, and make sure you’re all on the same page.
I think it’s also good to talk about expectations for the post-coital in advance as well. For example, if you know you’d like your guest to stay at least an hour after sex to avoid feeling used, say so in advance so they know not to run off! Similarly, if you know your partner is going to need you to himself, make it clear beforehand that you guys don’t do sleepovers and that the reclaiming process is important to you both within a certain amount of time.
Either way, recognize the power dynamic you have as the couple and solicit what the special guest wants as well. Come to an agreement together, and you lessen the chances that someone ends up feeling used. Remember: just because it’s a dude having potentially-casual sex, doesn’t mean he wants to feel like a prop. Be respectful, keep communicating, and send a nice text after at the very least! Treat them as you would want to be treated – being selfish never leads to good sex.
Research Some Sex Positions
While threesomes happen more organically than you might expect, it won’t hurt (in anticipation or calming nerves) to take a look at this guide to MFM sex positions. You can also brainstorm via text with your guest beforehand, or in bed with your partner.
Don’t Drink Or Smoke Too Much
OK – so it’s the night of your threesome, and you’re nervous! A rookie mistake I made in one of my first MFM threesomes sex night was that I had a little more to drink than I normally would. I’m not a big drinker, so that was like, three drinks in five hours, but the fact that they were drinking steadily too made us all a bit less present in the experience than I think would have been ideal. Sure, a drink or two or a couple hits to calm nerves is normal, but I’d advise against anything beyond that. Part of what’s so fun about an MFM threesome is the intensity and thrill of it – you don’t want to numb yourself against it.
If Things Can’t Seem To Get Started, Have A Plan
Sometimes, it’s awkward to go from having a drink together in the living room … to threesome. Each dude might wait for the other to make the first move. It’s good to have a plan or signal with your partner in case that’s happening. If you say “I’m thirsty,” for example, that could be your boyfriend’s cue to get up and go to the bathroom for awhile, giving the other guy a chance to make the first move (or for you to!).
Keep Communicating
As things get going, keep checking in with all parties. You can make eye contact with your partner with each new step, and agree to wait for their nod to proceed, if that’s what feels best to you guys. You can make sure you’re getting enthusiastic consent along the way from both parties by asking “permission” to take someone’s clothes off, or do other sexual acts. Either way, if it’s your first time especially, make sure you and your partner (and the guest) have a clear way you’ve decided to communicate consent and to make sure everyone is still onboard throughout.
Try To Stay Present & Not Worry
If you’re the woman involved, you’re in for a lot of pleasure. That said, there can also be a lot of performance anxiety for us in this situation too! You now have twice the male egos to attend to, twice the pressure to orgasm, etc. Make sure that you keep checking in and reminding yourself that this is supposed to be about you and your pleasure. Don’t get pressured into doing anything you don’t want to (like, say, double penetration) or being called names you don’t like just because they saw it in a porno. Remind yourself to breathe, enjoy the present moment, and revel in the attention.
Similarly, if you’re the guy – and I know this is hard – try not to put double the pressure on yourself to perform for both the woman and the other man. The hottest thing is simply your getting off, giving pleasure and/or watching, and being present. This isn’t a performance piece, even if it is rather cinematic at times. The point is for everyone involved to have fun.